Breaking Down the Walls

I'm definitely aware of the difference between intellectually understanding an emotional issue and actually integrating that understanding beyond the mind into the mind-body interface.

The real work comes (for me) from doing enough internal work to crack open the hard shell around my heart to actually allow these insights to penetrate on an emotional level. There is a very distinct feeling to this, one that's not altogether pleasant (and would be better described as difficult and unnerving) but one that certainly draws on experience beyond the conceptual or theoretical.

It begins with a physical sensation of breaking apart or breaking down some hard exterior shell which surrounds my heart. This shell, or 'wall' seems to be some sort of defense mechanism I have in place that prevents me from easily acknowledging these problems (which I would guess is where the term 'breaking down the walls' comes from).

After the wall's broken down, I tend to feel very exposed and vulnerable, even when I'm just in my own company. This period is generally the only time that these insights are able to penetrate deeply into my heart/emotional body/whatever you want to call it. Once they penetrate, there's an initial feeling of sharpness - almost some sort of pain as the new belief structure moves into the heart and prepares to take the place of the other one. This is usually followed by a sensation of loss as the old belief is evicted but before the new one settles in.

Finally there's a great sensation of warmth that generally sparks in the heart center. This spreads further through the body and eventually makes its way to the brain where I can become cognizant of the emotional changes that have been made.

I've only had issues serious enough to require me to perform this type of treatment about 3 or 4 times, but each time the treatment has been quite comprehensive. Meaning that the issues - which are generally long-standing and have affected me for a decade or more - are completely understood, beliefs recognized and replaced, attitudes adjusted, and behaviors modified.

This process usually takes between 3 days to 2 weeks and is certainly deep and transformational, though it may not be understood to be so in the same manner in which you are used to.

Inquiry and Meditation

This is something which I try to express to fellows on the Path that is often unaddressed. Touching on the last part of your post, about why pushing thoughts away or judging some to be better or worse than others isn't always (if ever) effective.

Addressing the nature of thoughts is incredibly important. Meditating isn't simply about pushing thoughts to the background. Furthermore, addressing past emotional traumas and issues is often more important for those on the Path than meditating is.

Looking deeply into the nature of a thought can quieten it forever. For example, a realization I've had today. I've always struggled with sexual thoughts. They come, and they come hard. (Pun not intended.) A lot of them are wildly inappropriate, and for most of my life I've tried to push them away. They would always keep coming back with vigor.

Today, instead of trying to meditate these thoughts away, I inquired deeply into their nature. I didn't just let the thought pass, I asked it where it came from and why it had been bothering me for so many years. Turns out these thoughts stemmed from a lot of confusion about self-worth that originated in high school as a result of the hyper-sexualization of western society.

I won't go into more detail here, because that's not the point. The point is that by inquiring into a certain thought pattern can really silence it forever. After (a fairly painful) deep inquiry, I followed the thought pattern down to its beginnings, and pulled it out from the root. There is a very distinct feeling when this occurs, one that I can't quite put my finger on. A weight is lifted.

When this happens, one can be certain that this particular thought pattern has been evicted from their being and will not bother them again. So while this might not be a 'typical' facet of meditation, it can certainly improve meditation in the long run. Overtime, as mentioned in the post above, this will exhaust the mind of unnecessary thought, leaving it in a state of clarity and silence.

(At this point in the discussion, someone seemed to have sexual thoughts confused with sexual energy, and pointed out that sexual energy cannot and should not be repressed. This is true - sexual energy should be worked with and harnessed for an individual's benefit, but I see that perhaps I needed to clarify what I said above).

I think perhaps the best way for me to explain this would be to discuss where one thinks that theirthoughts originate from. Thoughts, particularly disturbing ones, are intrinsically linked to some experience that a person has undergone or some psychological trait that they have developed.

Emotional processing is one of the ways in which we can work through these difficult thought patterns.

Processing can allow one to discern the root of a particular train of thought. Trains of thought can be utilized in much the same way that repeating external circumstances can be indicative of a behavioural pattern. By now, most of us recognize that if we keep falling into the same life situation over and over, we're reliving a karmic pattern or manifesting some unaddressed issue from our subconscious.



Trains of thought can be observed in the same manner, the main difference being that you can catch them before they become dominant enough to actually change your external reality. In this sense, you can follow the train of thought to its origin - much like you would observe the variables in a repeating life situation - to deduce exactly what aspect of your being is involved in creating the situation/thought pattern.

Anxiety & Self-Expression

Over the last ten, fifteen years of struggling with anxiety I've come to recognize that there's an intrinsic relationship between my social anxiety and my self-expression.

The feeling of anxiety, for me, is something of a 'tightness' in my chest, along with some other symptoms like a racing heart. This tightness, however, can be seen symbolically as confinement, a closeness, or a closed-off feeling.

I came to realize over the last two years that this I have had my associations with anxiety backwards. I assumed that it was social anxiety - the tight feeling - that inhibited my ability to enjoy socializing. Rather, it was the other way around: the closed-off, tight feeling of my anxiety was the result of me inhibiting myself!

All emotions are reflections of thought patterns, beliefs, and behaviours. I was aware of this for sometime, but always grappled with the feeling of anxiety. It's just so damn pervasive and it arises at the weirdest times. How could this ever be a reflection of my own thoughts or beliefs?

Turns out, that's exactly the case. Refusing my own self-expression is equally as pervasive, and my urge to deny myself arises at pretty weird times - when I'm around my friends, for example, or around people that I respect.

Realizing this hasn't completely eliminated my anxiety, like I hoped it would. It has, however, opened up an entirely new avenue of thought for reflection and contemplation that I truly believe will help me nip this issue in the bud within the next year or two.

Anyone else have similar experiences?